Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Friends - An Endangered Species

One of my personal growth goals I forgot to list on previous post was: to make more friends.

As you get older it's harder to make friends. It seems like we all try to make do with the ones from high school or college. But either through mental or geographical distance, they, one by one, fade away.

And so that was my case and I was down to ONE friend. Let's call him White. Then a few years ago, we had a falling out. More like I couldn't be bothered anymore. When we first met in acting class, he had more natural talent, instinctive talent. I was more book learned, university trained.

There was a always hint of competitiveness. He went on to film school, got a masters degree, and in the process, got his book learning, which he lorded over me, without intending to. He was a good friend over the years, helped me in big ways and small. But his self-centered ways were becoming annoying.

So I stopped calling him. He complained that he was the one initiating all the contact. I didn't disagree. He stopped calling. I lost the only friend I had. Through pride? Probably more mule stubborness. No big deal, I thought. I've always been a loner. And I was being kept quite busy with a new baby on the way.

Over the past couple of years, White has reached out, wondering what happened. He sent me a email when his mother died. A friend got married. Someone's father died. He sends a mass email and I'm on the distro list.

So far, I've been resistant. And struggling to figure out why. Is no friend better than a friend who makes you feel so-so? Have we just grown apart? In all honesty, he reminds me of the past that I'd rather not think about. At least not so directly.

We had similar goals, dreams and I am envious that he's taken a more direct path to them. I'm not sure if I have those dreams anymore or if I've given them up. White reminds me of a younger me and the possiblity that I've betrayed that younger me. That maybe I've buried the things, the passions, that matter most to my heart.

Who needs a friend that reminds you of all those things?

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